Michael Scott Quotes

There are very few people you come across in life, that you manage to love and hate in equal amounts. The character of Michael Gary Scott from the superhit sitcom The Office is just that. Portrayed by the wonderfully talented Steve Carell, Michael is shown to be the manager of a paper and printer distribution company, called Dunder Miffin Inc.

A self-appointed comedian and entertainer, Michael rarely manages to incite a smile on the face of his employees by his unintentionally insensitive remarks. He considers himself to be quite adept, when actually, he is quite incompetent.

All these facets of his personality have been captured in the funniest and best quotes that have been given below. These are mostly said by Michael in an attempt to become the center of attention at his firm, where he considers his employees to be his family.

• "Why have I stayed at Dunder Mifflin for so long? Certainly not the pay check. Because, I could be making more money as a doctor or a professional athlete. I think, it's because they respect me. A boss that will not fire you even though you just tell him off right to his face, over the phone. That's respect."

• "You may look around and see two groups here: white collar, blue collar. But, I don't see it that way, and you know why not? Because I am collar-blind!"
• "Alright, everybody in the conference room! I don't care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight! Just get in here, right now!"

• "Well, the website is a brainchild of my brainchild, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild!"
• "I'm very fast. I'm like Forest Gump, except ... I am not an idiot!"
• "'Battleship' got me through my parents' divorce. 'Operation' got me through my vasectomy."

• "Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train, and she wasn't moving, you might think she was dead."
• "There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was riffling through them like crazy and I grabbed one. And it fit. So I don't think that this is just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual."

• "I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon (sue me), and since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. 

When I wake up, I plug-in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then, I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious. It's good for me. It's the perfect way to start the day. Today, I got up; I stepped onto the grill, and it clamped down on my foot. That's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that!"

• "How do you untell something? You can't. You can't put words back in your mouth. What you can do, is spread false gossip ... so people think that everything that's been said is untrue. Include that Stanley is having an affair. It's like the end of Spartacus. 

I have seen the movie half a dozen times, and I still don't know who the real Spartacus is. And, that is what makes that movie a classic whodunnit."

• "People say I'm the best boss. They go, 'God, we've never worked in a place like this. You're hilarious, and you get the best out of us.' [lifts up 'World's Best Boss' coffee mug] Um, I think that pretty much sums it up. [pauses] I found it at Spencer Gifts."
• "This is a dream that I've had ... since lunch ... and I'm not giving it up now."

• "I hate, hate being left out. Whether it's not being picked for a team ... or being picked for a team, and then showing up and realizing the team doesn't exist. Or that the sport doesn't exist! I should have known. 'Poop ball?'"
• "There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. 

I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis, a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela, a heart. And for Kelly, a brain."

• "Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't know where it's going. I just hope to find it somewhere along the way. Like an improv conversation.. An improversation."

• "Today, I am headed over to the job fair at Valleyview high school to find some new interns. Get some fresh blood. Um, euthanize this place."
• "Since I pay her salary, it is like I am paying for the wedding. Which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis, but it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride."

• "My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson, as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. [plays a song off his computer] That one makes me think ... of death ... It's kinda nice."

• "Martin went from being a new guy from Stanford, to the convict, to my friend, back to a convict, then to kind of a nuisance actually, if we can be completely honest. And finally, to a quitter. I will not miss him, and that is not because he is black."

• "First up, the lost and found has gone missing. It itself, is lost. So please try not to lose anything until we find it."
• [on the phone with his mom]"No Mom, no one's helping me at all. No, I'm not gonna call Jan. She'd just worry, come down here, and make a big fuss. Who told you that? It was mutual. And why is Pam chatting with you?"

• "Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work ..."
• "Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about." (on what to do with a hacked off part of a Christmas tree).

• "Pam, this is from corporate. How many times have I told you that there is a special filing cabinet for things from corporate? Called the waste paper basket!"
• "Today's a big day. My presence has been requested by [uses deep voice] Chief Financial Officer, David Wallace. He says that he wants to talk about big picture stuff. 

And to be perfectly honest, I have little or no idea what that means ... probably bad."

• "The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout 'shotgun' when you're within sight of the car, gets the front seat. That's how the game's played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion."

• "Campus ... brings back so many memories that I would ... have made ..."
• "A boss's salary isn't just about money. It's about perks. For example, every year I get a $100 gas card. Can't put a price on that."

• "Dwight betrayed me once before. So, this is his strike two. You know what they say: 'Fool me once, strike one; but fool me twice ... strike three!"
• "It takes a big man to admit his mistake, and that's what I did. The important thing is, I learned something. 

• I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I am going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me."

• "People I respect, heroes of mine, would be: Bob Hope, um, Abraham Lincoln, definitely Bono ... uh, and probably, God would be the fourth one. And, I just think all those people really, uh, helped the world in so many ways, that it's, um, it's really beyond words. It's really 'incalculcable'."

• "Here's the thing: when a company screws up the best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That's what happened to O.J!"

• "I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up a baby every day, if possible, because ... it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me, and I think it's because they see me as one of them, but cooler, and with my life put together a little bit."

• "Stanley, we're not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working!"
• "It does not matter to me at all, whether this baby is biologically mine or not. I am going to love it. It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is ... it's so unnatural, but it ... it ... happens."

• "These people need love, and I am going to get it for them. Who cares if we sell a little bit of less paper today. A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees than anything else.

• I am going to be Cupid. And I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims. And they are going to get hit and say, 'I'm in love! I was hit by Cupid's sparrow! Funny little bird, but he gets the job done.'"

• "The word merger came from the word marriage, and that's what today was supposed to be. The loving union between people. Instead, it has become like when my mom moved in with Jeff. And once again, it becomes my job to fix it."

• "I just ... I fell in love with these kids. And I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system. So, I made 'em a promise. I told them, if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I have made some empty promises in my life, but hands down, that was the most generous."

It is little wonder, that this show has managed to amass such a huge fan following, and is being rated as one of the best sitcoms of all time. The show nearly entirely rests on Michael's shoulders.

Unfortunately, the brilliant comedian Steve Carell will be left The Office, and didn't reprise his role after the seventh season. However, he did make a cameo appearance in the finale, in the ninth season, which brought an end to the series.

*Image courtesy NBC.com