Great One-Liners

One-liners have a unique charm and ability. They can make you laugh your head off with just a single punch line. Or they make you understand the whole meaning behind a long story in short. Many hit the funny bone spot on, while others teach you something valuable in just a few seconds.

Here are the best from the rest. Sit back and enjoy!

"...but I also can't prove that mushrooms could not be intergalactic spaceships spying on us." ―Daniel Dennett

"He who angers you conquers you." ―Elizabeth Kenny

"If you're going through Hell, keep going." ―Sir Winston Churchill

"Do one thing every day that scares you." ―Eleanor Roosevelt

"Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." ―Helen Keller

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" ―Mary Oliver

"If things seem under control, you're just not going fast enough." ―Mario Andretti

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'd be glad to make an exception." ―Groucho Marx

"My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely." ―Les Dawson

"Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard." ―Spike Milligan

"Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little." ―Gore Vidal

"I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help"."―Jimmy Carr

"I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back." ―Eric Morecambe

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." ―Mark Twain

"I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup." ―Jerry Seinfeld

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." ―Ambrose Bierce

"Trying is the first step towards failure." ―Homer Simpson

"The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse." ―Joan Rivers

"Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive! " ―Conan O'Brien

"I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90." ―Richard Pryor

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." ―Sam Kinison

"I'm on a whiskey diet...I've lost three days already." ―Tommy Cooper

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." ―Woody Allen

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades" ―Demetri Martin

"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." ―Zach Galifianakis

"Reality continues to ruin my life." ―Bill Watterson

"Do well and you will have no need for ancestors." ―Voltaire

"Puberty is a phase... fifteen years of rejection is a lifestyle." ―Sue Kolinsky

"If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z; work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut." ―Albert Einstein

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." ―Bill Watterson

"If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time." ―Edith Wharton

"In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular." ―Kathleen Norris

Sam: "How's life treating you Norm?"
Norm: "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife." ―George Wendt

"I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there." ―Herb Caen

"I've developed a new philosophy... I'm only going to dread one day at a time." ―Charley Brown

"If God were suddenly condemned to live the life which he has inflicted on men, he would kill himself." ―Alexandre Dumas

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." ―Albert Einstein

"I'm the kind of guy who will have nothing all my life and then they'll discover oil while they're digging my grave." ―George Gobel

"Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive."

"I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke."

"It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others."

"Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later." 

"Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving."

"A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms."

"Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me."

"My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me."

"Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you."

"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone!"

"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."

"Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often."

"Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them."

"Early to bed, early to rise ensures a healthy, dull demise."

"How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?"

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

"Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?' "

"Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn."

"The good girls keep the diaries the bad girls never have the time."

"I always thought that if I were popular, I must be doing something wrong."

"Unfortunately, sometimes people don't hear you until you scream."

"Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner."

"The idea of strictly minding our own business is moldy rubbish. Who could be so selfish?"

"Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses; women for their strengths."

"There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works."

"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."

"When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street, I always hope he's dead."

These witty one-liners may be funny, sensitive or just plain silly. But, we bet you must have enjoyed reading each line. One of my favorite one-liners also stands true when you are trying to make someone laugh, 'If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.'